Living with OCD: An Invisible Disease with Visible Consequences

So, here we are

A more personal post than I usually put out to the internet, but I know there are many out there that can relate or perhaps could gain insight or learn something new here

Let’s start here: Hi! I’m Lauren and I’m diagnosed with OCD.

There are many types of OCD. The types most commonly portrayed in the media are normally extreme checking, contamination or hoarding in shows where you might see somebody who has to wash their hands 25 times per hour or else they fear they will contaminate their family with disease etc.

• Checking

• Contamination / Mental Contamination

• Symmetry and ordering

• Ruminations / Intrusive Thoughts

• Hoarding

Outside of these extreme cases, a common type of OCD that people seem to be familiar with is "symmetry and orderliness." This is a symptom that comes out quite frequently when people "self diagnose" themselves as being OCD.

It is very hard and frustrating for people who are diagnosed with OCD to hear friends tidy up a pile of messy things and say something like "sorry its just my OCD I have to straighten it up" or put something in alphabetical order and say "God I'm so OCD!"

I also recognize that are countless other groups of people that have had their symptoms used in everyday speech. I’m not “offended,” and I don’t think anybody has bad intentions. However, I do notice and several others in the OCD community do too, so maybe it is something to be mindful of if you haven’t thought about it before.

So what do I have? What does it do?

If you care to learn more about the types of the disease that affect me you can read more about ruminations, intrusive thoughts, doubting etc. Yes I also have a side dishes of orderliness and anxiety, but I'll give you examples later.

Living with OCD is a daily challenge because you are constantly fighting your own brain. There are variety of things that can trigger it but once it kicks in, theres no amount of logic that can stop it. Suddenly and without clear cause, everything, and I mean everything, is the most overwhelming thing that has ever happened to me and triggers extreme emotions of either anger, sadness or both.

An OCD event, for me, can look like this

Phase 1

Suddenly, the sheets aren't straight enough. The house isn’t clean enough. Somebody put a shirt in the section for felt hangers on a plastic hanger and it doesn’t match? I can’t even go in the closet. Everything I own needs to go in the garbage. I need to cut my hair. I need to move out of the country. Nothing about my current life works.

From a symmetry standpoint, on a bad day without my medication an uneven shoelace can stop me in my tracks and cause tears. Getting to sleep with a part of my clothes that feels like its in a different position than the rest of my clothes? Unthinkable.

After the anxiety kicks in, I pick. Its subconscious and I don't even know I'm doing it. I start to feel my own skin (kind of like i'm looking for an itch) to feel for ANYTHING that feels uneven. As soon as I find it, it has to go. Its finally a way to refocus all of the negative energy into something else. Instead of my thoughts about xyz consuming me, now all I can think about is making my skin even.

-Realizes whats happening & takes medicine to calm down -

Phase 2

For the next hour, I fight the urge to scream and cry and every tangled cord or out of place sock until it kicks in. The inability to tear a piece of paper out of a notebook without a jagged edge is enough to make me scream, literally. Then there I am, sedated calm and confused about why I can't just be satisfied.

Phase 3

I consume myself with some new project. Maybe I’ve decided redecorating will fix the things I didn’t like an hour ago (that don’t bother me at all on a good day) Again, I become obsessed. Staring at walls, sketching out ideas, searching out color palettes and designer goods that will solve all problems. Suddenly I'm overcome with an intense energy. An energy that is telling me that I have to finish an entire overhaul of the house right then and there. I want to call somebody and get a truck. I want to go to Ikea for the new shelving. I couldn't care less if I even eat. This is ALL I care about.

Phase 4

Eventually I give up. I fade into a dismal defeat, exhausted from the mental energy I’ve spent and frustrated that I’ve likely accomplished very little and am in the same boat I was when I woke up.

Tomorrow I will wake up angry over a lost day, where all I did was think and not act... again. I did nothing to move myself forward, I will have new scars on my body from scratching at my skin and I will immediately become upset over this again. The process will repeat itself and I will continue to try and dig my way out of this never ending cycle.

The Good with the Bad

I try to look the positives. I am EXCEPTIONALLY organized. I never lose track of a task. I’m extremely efficient (enter successful career in Project Management) but I often feel compelled to share more about OCD so that others know that you never know what’s going on behind the scenes. OCD is a disease that on the surface, for some (like me) can present itself as a very efficient high functioning human.

I hope this inspires you to research the topic a bit more, or simply remember that you never know what somebody might be dealing with! Be compassionate to all, always.